Today’s Q&A is about repeated relapse of porn addiction.

Summary:

• Porn & climax are being used for coping with emotions
• Already seeing a therapist for help with emotions
• But they keep relapsing back to porn-use

They said: 

How does someone get rid of porn addiction when it’s used as a way of self-harm, and to regulate and distract from difficult emotions? Already in therapy to get help with handling tough emotions, but tend to fall back to porn. It’s ruining our relationship.

My thoughts: 

Many men and women turn to climax for relief. After all, it’s pleasurable and releases a natural cocktail of hormones within the body, causing feelings of euphoria. 

What you’ve described is a scenario where ‘natural’ lacks ‘health’, even if it has moments of feeling good:

• Loss of self-control
• Link with self-harm
• Distraction from personal values

Using adult content in this way causes relationship and mental health issues to worsen with time. 

In my 1:1 program, Unifi Intimacy™, I call this the Addictive Spiral: 

The more you rely on the addictive habit, the more you feel yourself spiraling downward. It may even cause you to question who you are or whether something is seriously ‘wrong’ with you.

But this is not a YOU problem.

Relapse is a method problem.

Trainings like breath-work, cold-showers, and fitness obviously have health benefits. But so does orgasm…

When you’re disconnected from the real problem contributing to porn addiction, even healthy regulation techniques feel frustratingly slow.

If emotional regulation techniques aren’t working for you, the problem is not entirely what you think it is. It may not be what your therapist told you it is. 

In that case, you can try any emotional regulation technique without feeling relief.

Then relapse becomes predictable.

The effective solution comes in reverse: 

Instead of trying to regulate when you feel emotionally stressed or distraught… 

Regulation is the result of shifting your personal links with compulsive porn-use.

It’s an internal orientation with yourself, rather than an external method.

Once it’s altered, you no longer need to search for a technique to help you quit porn.

It happens naturally and often seems simple or obvious in retrospect.

Regulation techniques failing to work are a sign that the true link with porn addiction has not yet been addressed.

PS

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