Today I’m answering a question about separation and break-ups when you’re still in love.
Scenario & Summary:
- Going through a separation
- Taking action to gain control of himself in stressful / triggering situations
- Grief over breakup
- Wants help letting go
He says:
I’m going through a separation with my wife and really struggling. I’ve done a lot that hurt her over the years. Emotional reactivity, not prioritizing her consistently. Poor conflict regulation. The breaking point was when I got angry and told her to leave and blocked her. She says it’s something she can’t move past.
I take full responsibility for that. I’ve been doing therapy, emotional regulation, accountability, gym, and reflection. She wants a divorce, but the mixed signals are hard. She still reaches out when she’s overwhelmed and talks about missing our past. Other times she’s cold about wanting to move on.
I know I hurt her. I’m not looking to be told I’m the victim or that she’s wrong. I still love her, but I’m trying to accept that reconciliation may never happen. How do you cope and survive this? Emotionally I’m having a hard time and I just don’t want to feel so alone.
My thoughts:
First, congratulations on the steps you’ve started taking.
Some have probably told you to cut-off contact with your ex.
In some cases, that solves the most immediate problem.
We can have mixed feelings without wanting the relationship. She might not realize how these messages are impacting you. Ending contact gives you time to make a clean break.
It’s tougher when old connections keep re-igniting.
In other separations, communication needs to continue.
Because of joint-custody with children or another circumstance. There are times we have to find a way to be in contact, while staying detached from the person.
You have several options, but your question reminds me of a past client in a similar situation.
He let go of his ex after 2 sessions.
Although there were layers to our conversation, one of his key takeaways was about her value.
Ironically, voicing why he loved her so much made it possible for him to let her go. Though he only told me—never expressed it to her. Even in the years they were together.
That relationship was over, but he started dating again after our sessions.
Thanks for sharing your question with us. Best wishes on your journey.
PS
Do you have your own question for Krystal? Reply to this email.
