The Common Approach for Loneliness

One of the first questions that pops up about loneliness is, “What to do if you feel lonely?” Some will automatically or subconsciously choose an activity. Others will research for answers.

Either way, most will initially turn to a selection like this when feeling lonely:

• Pets
• Nature
• Movies / TV
• Exercise
• Hobbies
• Dating
• Porn / Sex
• Alcohol / Substances
• Food
• Shopping
• Work
• Social media
• Find someone to talk to

You probably noticed—some of these activities improve quality of life. Others can create problems. Finding an activity to fill the pang of loneliness only works as well as you work it.

If you want to not only accept being alone. If you want to dissolve loneliness and find genuinely satisfying, rewarding connection. The underlying pain related to loneliness needs to be addressed.

It’s time to think bigger than a list of “15 things to do if you’re feeling lonely”.

The Loneliness Cycle of Withdrawal

Here’s a common subconscious cycle when experiencing loneliness:

You feel lonely. 

> Isolate yourself 

> Numb or distract yourself with an activity/behavior

> Temporary relief

> Loneliness returns or feels worse

Then the cycle repeats.

With repetition and extended periods of time, isolation and loneliness feel worse and worse.

Typically, the connections that remain become more shallow or tumultuous.

Real, meaningful relationships might be severed. Particularly if a behavior for dealing with loneliness has become an addiction.

Even healthy activities that are generally beneficial can be used unconsciously to sustain loneliness:

• Work
• Pets
• Orgasm
• Relationships
• Nature
• Hobbies

If you want to break the loneliness cycle, it helps to assess progress periodically.

Here’s a simple test.

One to three months is usually a good time-frame for gauging the overall impact of your cycle.

(a) If loneliness is getting worse, the activity is likely unhealthy and used for withdrawal.

(b) If loneliness is sustained, the activity is likely healthy but used for withdrawal.

(c) If loneliness is decreasing, the action is probably healthy and engaged.

Your chosen method for decreasing loneliness is only as good as it is effective in the long-run. Specifically, for you. Context and application make a great deal of difference. What helps one person might not be the best answer for you. That’s why we test ourselves.

Cycles of withdrawal sustain or deepen loneliness.

Cycles of engagement decrease loneliness.

Lonely Even When Surrounded By People: The Root Cause of Loneliness

You and I both know that engaging with any person does not guarantee you’ll feel more connected. 

Take into consideration:

• The child at school, who feels unseen every day.
• The celebrity everyone wants to be around, but few people care to know.
• The man with stellar heart, wealth, or body who can’t seem to find a woman with depth.
• Or the person in a relationship, staring at the ceiling, questioning who is laying beside them.

Loneliness can touch any age, sex, wealth-status, kindness, popularity, or intelligence. It’s not surprising that people still ask how to deal with loneliness.

Even as a mature adult.

Even with hobbies and social groups.

Even as a wise-old-soul.

That’s what makes loneliness such an effective personal feedback line.

It’s communicating whether withdrawal or engagement is happening within you, to the extent you crave. Loneliness is proof that you are wired for intimacy, meaning, and connection. And feeling connection is the byproduct of your engagement done well. 

It’s a signal for addressing the root cause.

Regardless of who is or isn’t with you, around, or nearby.

Want more leverage overcoming loneliness?

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Wishing you all a very happy holiday season and new year. Cheers to deeper connections that make a positive difference in our lives. 🥂